Jekyll & Hyde.

A shadow lurks in the darkness.

There are no menacing red glowing eyes. No sharp yellow claws extending towards me. No bloodstained cracked razor teeth twitching to devour my very soul. Its only danger is the slithering snake that is its voice, twisting deeper into my mind and soul. It dives inside like a dagger in search for a beating heart, aiming to destroy, to end, to annihilate.

Jekyll or Hyde. Who is in control?

Hyde slithers in the background, focusing his strength on knocking out the lights one by one. Slowly and surely, this crawling force of darkness invades the fortress that is my mind until Jekyll is cornered, sweating, shivering, and spent. The invasion knows no limits, no boundaries, no laws, no humanity, and no mercy. Every single neurone, every synapse, and every connection is bombarded by this virus until it hijacks the body, takes control, and becomes Me.

Hyde takes over and with it the boiling hot fury that Jekyll for long has stored away. I can feel it rise from the gut, scolding you as it rises into your chest and shoots out like flaming blue dragon-fire. I can feel the heat of the flames lick me underneath my skin like a tiger savoring the taste of its prey before the kill. As I stare into the mirror I can no longer see who is in control. Is it Jekyll or Hyde? Have I given Hyde too much power over me along the years? Every time I felt the slightest emotion I’d bury it deep down, giving this dark creature nuclear fuel for its growth. I have felt him expand and grow within me, and foolishly thought that I can control him. Failure was inevitable.

Even as I watch my fingers fly across the keyboard, and imaginary ink prints on the screen before me, I wonder who is control. Who is typing these words? Jekyll and Hyde have become merged into a blur that I can no longer discern nor clarify. They are everything, and they are nothing. They do not exist, but they are the only reality. Duality has become the cracked screen through which I view life unfold around me. Gusts of violent wind have erased the sands of memory and character, leaving behind that blur to determine how I react, think, live, interact, and function.

My eyes shut and I feel the turmoil of emotions and thoughts wrangling and battling within me, and I try so desperately to make meaning of all this. I yell into a deep dark chasm, where only despair and suffering can live, to ask who is in control. Sickening smell of burning sulfur, and rotten eggs rises like a tsunami that overcomes my senses, and forces me to embrace the hard stone ground. A strong hand beneath me presses my face harder into the heat wafting through the ground till my eyes water and dry instantly. As the unrelenting hand drives me deeper still, forcing me to taste the bitter saltiness that makes my blood curdle, and my bones to shiver and crack. With my remaining strength I drag my eyeballs upwards to see Hyde press down on me with a charming smile that conveys no evil or malice. With a gentle push, I cling to the edge as the Chasm rushes to envelope me in its scaly bony arms that give off an aura of insanity.

It is there I lay: at the edge of Insanity, pushed down by Malice and Fear, so very far away from Hope.

 

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